REGATTA!!

The highlight of the weekend was, without any doubt, the Tall Ships' Races -- an international regatta and festival of sail that is in Saint-Petersburg for four days! Vladimir Putin himself presided over the proceedings yesterday, but the layout of the supposed parade was absolutely ridiculous and the bureaucracy of the layout of the place so bizarre and we walked around for an hour trying to find a place from which we could actually SEE what was going on (even though we were RIGHT there)... Eventually we were unsuccessful in finding the parade, but I'm ecstatic to say that I got the chance to tour at least ten large Class A tall ships! Exploring the tall ships, I think, aside from a few other occasions, has been the best experience I've had in Russia so far.

I now know that when I finish college, I'll want to spend at least a couple of months working on board a tall ship, though I can't see myself making a career out of it. I thought maybe I could do some kind of naturalist work, maybe something like leading kids on Outdoor Ed trips, because I know just hoe much it has meant to me. But I'll worry about that when the time comes, because the next two years of my life are pretty much already predetermined, at least in terms of where I'll be geographically. There is one new development, though, and that is that I'm starting to think about some sort of European experience for the summer immediately following my graduation--possibly including some kind of program in France or something, if I can get financial aid and/or a scholarship for it. But that's a long ways away, and there's a lot of other stuff to deal with first.

Other than that, last night we had a cultural excursion to the Banya, and I have to say it was an amazing experience. We did six rounds - rinse, steam room, sweat, beat yourself (and each other) with the oak (leafy branches - oak because it's manly), rinse, cold pool, rinse, repeat. After the third round we took a break to have snacks and try out the pool table. It was a very manly experience, I have to say. I remarked that during this summer abroad, I seem to be learning a lot about skin exfoliation. Anyhow, my host mother had told me that it is necessary to drink beer after the banya because it's a "Russian tradition," but I was exhausted and I'm broke anyway so I went back and slept. After the banya and a huge meal (as usual), I slept amazingly, though my body still didn't seem interested in getting up with the alarm I had set. But! I got an A on the exam from last week, so things seem to be going fairly well, though I don't feel like my language skills are improving quite so quickly as I thought they would.

Past the halfway point now--19 days of class left. This weekend is our other weekend overnight trip, and this time we're going to Novgorod. Today we went to the Leningrad Blockade Museum, and I have to say it was powerful, though not as much as it would have been had I been able to read all of the stuff in there. Still, the photos of the people within the city during the blockade and the patriotic posters hanging on the walls really gave a sense of what it was like during that time. All this led to a discussion once we got outside about how Americans haven't experienced anything close to that, and how most of our current generation knows so little about war. I hate seeing apathy in people, but I know that I've felt it myself, toward my own country. That changed gradually over time, for several reasons (and it's still gradually changing, I think): growing up and getting older is the obvious explanation, but seeing Obama elected president and having a part in the whole political process started to mean something too. Then, when I went to Israel, I really saw an eye-opening perspective of people who really believe in something, and it made me feel good that I could connect to it. My friend Dean in the IDF was telling me that the army makes you a man "instantly," to which I replied that I could certainly see the appeal in that. Meanwhile, I'm traveling internationally, studying foreign cultures, and almost all of the money to do it comes from other people. How can I reconcile that? Ironically, that's part of what I'm out here to learn. Nothing is so simple, I've discovered, and nor am I. I've spent my life painfully aware of the opportunities I've been given, wanting only to make the most of them. I've started to realize very recently that the way to do that isn't to agonize over what might be good for me, but rather to follow my interests and my heart. They're not mutually exclusive goals, but it's good to begin to feel that I don't have to be ashamed of opportunity. I've been so indecisive so often.

Anyway, I've grown moody now with all this discussion (and maybe it has something to do with the steady rain that's started falling outside), but with my computer still non-operational and the temporary "solution" still not put together (though hopefully soon), I've had little outlet for my thoughts on things. I'd like to put pictures on here, but unfortunately that's still effectively impossible. I think I will call El Al tonight and see what they say.

I'm reading Notes from Underground by Dostoevsky (in translation), and I'm finding it incredibly meaningful. I'll put up some quotes from it in a future post.

Also, in Russia they have Hazelnut M&Ms, and they are delicious.

HYPERMARKET

That's right--the Lenta I mentioned in the previous post is not simply a superstore, it's quite literally a Hypermarket. Beyond a "super-market" or even a "universal-store" (both also Russian phrases), it's a Hypermarket. Гипермаркет is the Russian, and Hypermarket is exactly what it means. Awesome.

So, I'm well past the halfway point of my whole summer abroad, and I've got a little over four weeks left in Russia. Last night I had an academic epiphany of sorts about what my senior year at Tufts is going to be like, about my major and other activities, and I got really excited for senior year. I'm reading Dostoevsky's "Notes from Underground" now (in English, I suppose I should mention), and it's really getting to me in an incredible way. I suppose that when it was assigned in 12th grade I wasn't ready for it, but now I'm at a point in my life where I am really discovering how much I love reading and literature. It may not be the romantic science-technology focus I always seemed to dream about, but right now it really fits. Plus, it was really nice to think about such positive things and to get so excited for the future, and to see how my college career could come together in such a great way. And then Zach called me from England and we discovered that we're both working on Chekhov's "Three Sisters" in our respective programs, and we had a great conversation. I've been talking to loads of people on the phone, and it's great to be able to keep in touch from Russia, even as I'm just walking to class in the morning!

Unfortunately, my laptop is still not working, and something tells me that this time it's not going to inexplicably get better. I'm fairly sure the motherboard / main logic board is failing, though there is a chance it could be some kind of "simple" firmware corruption. Fortunately it's not the new hard drive, so I won't lose any of the pictures and emails and music I had saved on there and had been working on, but that also vastly limits my ability to take more pictures than my memory card can hold, which I suppose isn't too much of a problem, being more than halfway through and all. Supposing it's the logic board, that'll mean $350-$550 for a new one from eBay, plus a very labor-intensive installation. On the other hand, that's about half the price of the new 13" MacBook Pro, and plus I'd get another free iPod and printer. In any case, it's all annoying because I originally bought that computer to last longer than two years, so I'm not happy.

Anyway, about my return, it's sort of starting to come together. I'll spend 1, 2, or 3 nights in Israel (assuming El Al is somewhat cooperative...), fly to New York, and then hop on a plane to Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina, to visit my grandmother (I haven't seen her in almost two years, I think) for two days or so, before flying home to LA. It's very slightly possible, I suppose, that I could stop in Boston for one night first (taking the bus there from NY) and fly to NC from there, so that I could spend an evening with some friends that will be there. Hmm, that's a pretty good idea...

We're going to the Russian Museum tomorrow, and then the Banya (Russian Bath) is on Sunday. Also, the midterm exam (or I guess more accurately, the final for the first month) is on Friday. Still hoping to go see "Up" in a day or two, and then I think next week Harry Potter comes out! yes.


Hope all is well wherever you are reading this blog. My regards to you! More insight later, I suppose.

Холодилник–Приключение

Refrigetator-Adventure

In class today, we were discussing hypothetical additions to the classroom. I meant to say I'd like to add a "refrigerator filled [...with food]" but I misunderstood the word. Learning a language is all about expressing yourself, right? I had misinterpreted the ice cream ad pictured at right (it's nice to be able to illustrate this), but now that I know the word it's actually even funnier. The ad says:
Adventure with Taste!

For the record, Russian ice cream (Extreme cones included) is really good!


So much to say, as always.

So, things have been up and down the past couple of days, but I'm happy to say that the hot water is finally back, as of today! Tomorrow morning I finally get to take a real hot shower, for the first time in almost three weeks.

There are many echoes of the Soviet past here, in everything from the bureaucracy of everyday life to the way the buildings are constructed. Russia is a harsh place, but the people are basically good as in any other place.

Some more scenes from last weekend:
Selling souvenirs in Izborsk. They had a lot of wood-carved stuff, and it was pretty cool. I didn't buy much, but I did buy a bottle of homemade kvas that was amazingly good the first day and then turned rancid. I got lots of great pictures though!


From Saturday, in Pskov. This picture appears to be very random, but there's something hilarious and very Russian happening here. This scene is a bride and groom in their wedding clothes, and it's POURING rain. (The bride is mostly obscured behind the woman in the foreground--unfortunately, this is the only picture I got.) The happy couple had only moments before this picture was taken released two white doves into the sky, despite the downpour. Some Russians, just as some people in any world culture, just love traditions, and this is one of them. On a nice day around the parks of Saint Petersburg, you'll see similarly dressed couples out for photo-shoots. They're really everywhere!

The spring in Izborsk. On the right is a local resident, and the others are Smolny people (second from the left is one of the tutors, a Russian native)--the other two being students in my class. The water was delicious, but from what I know about backpacking, I was wary about drinking very much of it without treatment. I haven't heard of anyone who drank it getting sick though, and the locals use it for everything.

So I'm thinking about getting a haircut. It's getting a bit long.
A quick word about Russian hairstyles. Check out the dude on the left of this photo from ГОГОЛЬFEST. Yeah, that's right. The dominant hip style for young Russian men seems to be the mullet (yes, really), but this guy seems to be taking it to a whole new level. I thought briefly today about the idea of going much shorter with my hair, but the last time I did that was in second grade and it was awful. My hair doesn't do anything interesting except poof. When it's really long it gets slightly wavy and if it's at all short (or just randomly at other times) it gets poofy.


Regarding my return to America, it's looking more and more like I will return several days earlier than planned, for various reasons including the fact that the trip to Eilat will no longer work out. However, I'd still like to spend two or three days in Israel while I'll have the opportunity, so I'm investigating that possibility. Then I'll fly to New York, and probably straight on to LA sometime around the 14th or so, unless I make some sort of stop in Washington DC or perhaps Chapel Hill NC to see family that I would otherwise not see for quite a long time (and don't see often anyhow).

With all that being said, let me know if you want anything in particular from Russia or from Israel!


Now I'm going to get more personal here.

I finished reading Salinger's Catcher in the Rye for the first time earlier this evening, and I have to say it couldn't have come at a better time. Most American students seem to read it sometime around the tenth grade, but it was never required for any class I was in.

A quick word about literature and required reading:
No matter how accellerated the academic program or how mature the student, you can't expect young people to be ready to have a mature interpretation of a work of literature if they can't relate to the experiences in it. With that being said, however, there is undoubtedly great value in reading for everyone. Furthermore, the experience of reading literature will be quite different for the twelve year old book nut, for the searching young adult, for the middle-aged person, or for much older people. Your own experience has a lot to do with what a work of art or literature means to you.

I'm happy to say that being here not only makes me rediscover the joy of connections with people, but also with academia and literature.

And now for some Holden Caulfield:
"Lawyers are all right I guess--but it doesn't appeal to me," I said. "I mean they're all right if they go around saving innocent guys' lives all the time, and like that, but you don't do that kind of stuff if you're a lawyer. All you do is make a lot of dough and play golf and play bridge and buy cars and drink Martinis and look like a hot-shot. And besides. Even if you did go around saving guys' lives and all, how would you know if you did it because you really wanted to save guys' lives, or because what you really wanted to do was be a terrific lawyer, with everybody slapping you on the back and congratulating you in court when the goddam trial was over, the reporters and everybody, the way it is in the dirty movies? How would you know you weren't being a phony? The trouble is, you wouldn't."
Now here's the thing. A year ago, perhaps, I would have quite agreed with Holden. Now, however, I'm not worried so much by such questions. I don't think this is the kind of thing you can ever "explain" to someone--it's something that people just have to work out. It's very meaningful to me personally to look at this quote and see the grasp for maturity in it, and to realize that my perspective on it now is utterly unlike anything I could have conceived when I thought similarly.

Toward the end of the novel, Holden has a conversation with one Mr. Antolini, a former teacher of his.
"The fall I think you're heading for--it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really got started."
Now here's another thing. I have had very similar thoughts in my head in the past few months. It's terrifying to think that you might never be in the right place and to keep your eyes so wide open with looking around that you can hardly see and you end up tripping over yourself because you can't see the ground. I'll return to this subject in a bit. Antolini continues:
"Once you get past all the Mr. Vinsons, you're going to start getting closer and closer--that is, if you want to, and if you look for it and wait for it--to the kind of information that will be very, very dear to your heart. Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them--if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."
This is one of the most powerfully comforting and encouraging things I've read in a long time, and it reminded me of how great literature can be. It was pouring rain out when I read it, and I read it again because it was just so meaningful to me. The truth is, I'm not half so troubled now as I was a year ago, though I certainly do have my troubles.
"Something else an academic education will do for you. If you go along with it any considerable distance, it'll begin to give you an idea what size mind you have. What it'll fit, maybe, and what it won't. After a while, you'll have an idea what kind of thoughts your particular size mind should be wearing. For one thing, it may save you an extraordinary amount of time trying on ideas that don't suit you, aren't becoming to you. You'll begin to know your true measurements and dress your mind accordingly."
And maybe that's about where I am now.

Now here for something different. This is a poem my dad sent me in an email last week:

INTO MY OWN, by Robert Frost

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom
But stretched away until the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I hold them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew--
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

Robert Frost, what a romantic you are. I get that, though. However, what most intrigues me is that last stanza and the couplet at the end. It makes me wonder about whether I'm changing while abroad. I think a lot, and really, I'm not sure I agree with that last bit of the poem. It's true, these lines of Frost are quite idealistic, but what a curious thing to contrast at the end the idea of remaining the same (yet more so) with the idea of total independence. People have a way of always wishing they were elsewhere, as Salinger pointed out, and I'm certainly no stranger to that feeling. However, being abroad (it's been almost five weeks now, and I'm nearly halfway through my summer abroad) as long as I have now, I've come to realize how important to me are the connections I have back home and the people who have been close to me. So it's true, I am learning to be more sure of all the things I tried so hesitantly to hold on to in the past, and that's a very good thing.


To close, I was never ready to go to college. Two years ago, I was graduating from high school in a ridiculous ceremony at Disney Hall in Downtown Los Angeles, but I was happy to see everyone all together, including my grandmother and grandfather and my cousin and my immediate family. I wasn't thrilled to be going to Tufts, but I was getting more excited for it, and I was really really looking forward to spending a week in Australia in July. Looking back on that time, I had so very much less experience with life, and I was so much more unsure as a person. As much as I probably think too much now, I REALLY thought too much then. When I got to college, I really couldn't deal with the parties, the drinking, the culture, the academia, the people--anything, really. But as a good friend told me, maybe that's what college is for--learning how to be ready for college. There's an interesting way to think about it.

I know that I should be living in the moment here and making the most of the incredible place where I am, but part of that whole process is realizing just how important those connections are to me.

I'm looking to the future, to August 2010 when I return to Tufts, and I'm wondering excitedly what sort of person I'll be. I'll be a lot more mature, I know, and much better able to handle myself as a person. I'm already doing better academically, and though it's still hard sometimes, I'm certain that I'm where I need to be. I always knew that I needed to go abroad--I've known it since I was in high school, or maybe even earlier. It's hard, but I'm doing what I need to do, and if I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have been on the right track to learn how to be happy. When I return to Tufts, I can't wait to see what it will feel like to finally be there and be ready for it. I can't wait to give it a try. I can't wait to see everyone, and to get interested in academics.

Japan is also going to be great. I'll be a lot more in control of my personal space there, and I'm also more interested in Japanese culture. That language might be even HARDER than Russian though. I never actually believed anyone when they told me that Russian is hard. Hah. HAH. Yes, YES, Russian is hard!!

I'm nearly halfway through my summer abroad, and it's proving to be what it needs ot be. Onward and forward.

Россия: Какая Страна!

Russia: What a country!

On Friday, going to see Transformers 2. The fact that it was in Russian probably made it a lot better, because I couldn't understand the heavily affected voices of the evil bad-guy robots at all, and all of their lines were unnecessary history of the robot war anyhow. Plus, the bad parts of annoying stereotypes and stupid dialogue were almost nullified!


A quick word about the title of this post:
Russia has a peculiar way of being very inadvertently funny to foreigners. (What a country!) Examples happen all the time here, but they're very insignificant on their own. More to come on this subject, I think, later.


Still so much to say--I want to talk more about Pskov, my impressions of the excursions, and also especially the very enjoyable night out at a bar/music club there (and the people I met there), but as always, time is short. The excursion to the Dostoevsky Museum yesterday was very short, actually, and I'll admit that because the guides are always difficult to understand and I have unfortunately not really read any Dostoevsky significantly, it was a bit boring. Actually, it reminded me of the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam (and also perhaps a bit of the Rembrandt House).

Here's a short video of the tour of a Russian Orthodox monastery near Pskov, so you can see a bit of what it was actually like for us. At the monastery I bought a CD (it was about $4) of the monks that live and work there chanting. I'll listen to it tonight!



I also want to talk a little bit of personal history, such as my feelings on going to college in the first place, rewinding (remember VCRs?) to about exactly two years ago, which I think directly relates to me going abroad, about who I am and where I am in life right now. Unfortunately, that will have to wait until next time. It's a topic that is very close to me.


More dreaming--it's fuzzy, but I remember some new theatre production happening at my high school, and I'm a senior there when this happens. The important thing about the production is that it's contemporary, and that's apparently a very big deal.
Also some other adventure in a dream. Don't remember any details.


I received some information yesterday concerning my travel arrangements to Japan, and for a brief period of time I thought I might be in Boston for a bit at the end of September, but now again that arrangement appears unfeasible. Although it would be a bit awkward to bum around Tufts, I'll miss seeing Tufts friends for another whole year. Doesn't seem like it's going to make any monetary sense for me to go to Boston, though I thought that it would with the stipend for Japan. Hm.


Still thinking about and working on what to do with returning to America in August. I'm returning to Israel on the 10th of August, and I would be really excited, but I have a few problems:

I had been scheduled to return to America that same day, but when I left Israel two weeks ago I was so thrilled with being there that I immediately extended my trip further, all the way until 1am on Tuesday the 18th. So here's the problem--I have no plans to stay anywhere or do anything during that time, except for what I discussed with one new friend there about me staying at his place in Eilat from Friday until Sunday or perhaps Monday (by this plan, I would need to arrive at the airport on Monday evening [the 17th] just after dinner to get on that flight). But that leaves me with nothing from the 10th until the 14th (during that time, I had thought it would be great to go to Bulgaria and hang out with George, another friend, but that's yet another $600 I don't have). Furthermore, I'm not even sure I have enough money to last me almost six more weeks in Russia, let alone another week in Israel (where things cost more, and I'd have to spend more to support myself too). But there's even more to it than that--I'll have large heavy bags with me, and after 10 weeks abroad I'll be anxious to return home, especially since I have friends back home who will be going back to their colleges all over America very soon afterward.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do. I'm not confident that I'd be able to convince El Al to let me change my flight again for anything less than $100, even though this would be the third time changing it. Bah, I should have waited. I'd love to see some more of Israel, but this is eight whole days and basically it's pretty inconvenient for various reasons. Supposing, then, that I were to change my flight to leave on perhaps the 13th or 14th, that might work too, but even so, I know that's during the week and many of the Israelis I know will be busy. And what would I do with my bags?


On a random note, whenever I have a couple of minutes I read Questionable Content. I don't have much time to read it here, but I'm about a third of the way through the whole thing, going from number one. It's very well done, and it's a fascinating arc to follow (as well as following the author himself in his comments on each strip). Honestly speaking, I feel that I relate to many of the characters, especially Marten, though no one exactly of course.


THE FOLLOWING is MY ADDRESS here in Russia! I should have posted it sooner, but here it is. Fortunately, as long as you're just sending a letter or postcard or something (I wouldn't recommend sending me a parcel/package), it shouldn't take more than a week or two to get here. So, as long as you send something within the next two and a half weeks, I'll be able to get mail from you! That's really good, since I'm told that to send things internationally FROM Russia is, well, unreliable at best. I'm told six weeks is an average time for mail.

Alexander Michaelson
c/o Smolny College / Bryan Billings
St. Petersburg State University
Lt. Schmidt Embankment 11, Office 416
199034, St. Petersburg, RUSSIA


As a reminder, commenting is now open to anyone.

БИЗНЕС–ЛАНЧ

I have to start this post by saying it almost didn't happen right now because a mysterious tone and voice just appeared, saying, "WARNING!" and going on to say something in Russian about something happening with the building. We were all about to leave (the message repeated again, and again), but then we found out it was just a test of the system. Oy.

I always say I'm going to do a short post but that never seems to happen. Ah well. I probably won't post anything until Monday, so maybe all the more reason to post now. Photo time:

This is laundry detergent (стиральный порошок) for hand-washing. It's called Meef. In English, Myth. This stuff will get your clothes mythically clean! For legendary comfort!


Last night:
http://www.gogolfest.org.ua/
Аmazing! It included lasers, Ukrainian chanting, accordions, performance art, huge balloons, a dude chain-smoking and playing 6-string bass at the same time, masked figures, and finally running around dancing around the room holding hands in a long line of people. Somehow that last bit was very Slavic. I dunno what the Ukrainian band had to do with Gogol, but they were awesome. Here's their website. And here's their Last.fm page. Are you on Last.fm (<- my page)? I use it to track what I've been listening to and to get more information from artists and bands, as well as to find new music. I highly recommend it, except for the fact that their online-radio service seems to have a fee now.

Also, I wrote a bit earlier about some of the discomfort I've felt around alcohol. I think it's a very individual thing. Part of it was that in more formative years, I never really felt like I had the chance to develop my own ideas on my own terms about it. Last night at the concert, I enjoyed a beer while watching the opening band, and it was great! It's nice to not be so worried about it. Also, I still have an Israeli beer in my suitcase that shouldn't be there when I leave Russia.Scenes from last night. Crazy laser show technical performance art awesomeness. The first picture, where you can see ГОГОЛЬFEST, is the band before the Ukrainians (check out this page!). It's this guy Yevgeny Fyodorov from the now-popular Russian band Tequilajazz (I ripped one of their live albums yesterday, and it's pretty good stuff). And apparently one of the dudes from Akvarium!

And this guy. Chain-smoking and playing 6-string bass at the same time. Круто.

I also had a moment with the man himself. I ought to read some Gogol now, hm?

Also, a brief word about the Russian slang word круто (sounds like KRUta). It's basically synonymous to the English "cool" but more like "far out" or "awesome." The best part? Literally, it means "steep." In conclusion, I've decided to incorporate "steep" into my English conversation as well:
"Dude, that show was so steep."
"Yeah man, it was like 89.9º!"

Test #2 tomorrow. I'm getting As but I feel I should study more. Seeing Transformers with people after class. Then early Saturday, we all get on the bus to Pskov. I still find it somewhat hard to believe where I am, even when I'm walking up the street at 11:30pm and it's light out and the signs aren't lucid to me. Many of the people on the streets look like anyone you might find in America, except they probably don't speak English and they live in an entirely different culture.


On an unrelated note, I really want to learn Spanish. In a couple of years. I'm sitting in the computer lab / classroom at Smolny and there are some other students in here either online or doing homework. There are two new big white cruise ships parked on the river outside. This morning there were military fighters flying formations over the city, and I don't know why but it was cool to see. Didn't get any pictures of it. All the computers in here are Sun Microsystems "Sun Ray 2" mini-computers, and they seem to work pretty well, though most people brought laptops. On that note, I'm glad my computer is still holding up! When I get back to LA in August, I'll reformat it, do some cleaning, and hope that solves the problem. Which brings me to the topic of going back home.

I'm leaving Russia on August 9, and flying directly to Tel Aviv. However, I've already paid the fee to stay in Israel for an extra 9 days, flying back to New York very very early on the 18th. The plan was that I was invited to stay with one of my new Israeli friends in Eilat for an extended weekend, but the 10th of August is a Monday. So, I thought, I'll fly round-trip to Sofia (Bulgaria) for 5 days and hang out with my mate George! But that trip would be $600. So what am I going to do in Israel for 8 whole days? I won't have any summer money left by then. I'll know a few people from Birthright but I just don't feel confident that I'll feel up to bumming around Israel (WITH my two large suitcases) for so long without much to do. In retrospect, I might feel better if I had elected to come back even two days earlier (on Sunday the 16th, perhaps). I don't know. I can probably find stuff to do and places to stay with people I met, but that might be more awkward than I had thought. Most likely, to change it BACK the way it was, or to any other date, would require yet another $100. Curse indecision. To make matters more difficult, I had originally thought that I might use this time to spend in Washington DC (on my way back to California) with family I don't see often, or at least with friends in California, most of whom will be returning to school sometime around the 25th. It's not that I don't want to go back to Israel. On the contrary--I was so enamored with Israel that I planned this while there and laid down $100 on the spot to extend the trip with no specific plan in mind. Yes, in retrospect, I should have waited on that decision. What's more, I don't actually have a ticket back to California from New York yet, because I wasn't sure when I'd be coming back or whether I might be in Washington. I had also thought that I could theoretically work for a couple of weeks in Boston sometime between August and September, making back some money I'm spending this summer and seeing Tufts friends, but I concluded that it probably wouldn't be the best of ideas. I don't know.

As it is, I'll be heading to Japan at the end of September, sometime around the 28th I suppose. My only plan to return to the US before the following August is to spend my accumulated air-miles to take a nonstop roundtrip from Tokyo to New York to spend five or so days seeing my brother graduate and then returning for classes. I'll get two months off for spring break there, but I wasn't planning on coming home during that time. But then again, I don't know how I'll feel. Ideally, I thought, I'd travel around Japan and maybe visit Taiwan or Korea or something. I really don't know what's going to happen. I'll need to find a house to live in for my senior year at Tufts following that, and I really have no idea what that's going to be like either.

I've been thinking a lot, wondering a lot, and dreaming a lot. Then again, I always do, but the White Nights give me more dreams than I'm used to. Yesterday morning I was awakened a few minutes early by what might have been a nightmare, a literally paralyzing physical force that held me down because the force didn't understand me and I didn't know how to communicate with it, but when I finally was able to move I felt the renewed vital importance of that real effort at communication with it. The force had been around since I was a boy, but I didn't understand it until much later. As I get older and experience more, I realize what's important to me. Often, things that remain can be even more profound than singular moments. Some things will always be there, some things you hope will always be there, and everything seems to change somehow.

Even now, when I witness great talent or dedication, a part of me feels so terribly small and sad, and all my life I've wanted to turn that feeling into motivation. I still haven't quite figured out how.

I have a lot of exciting plans, and I owe it to myself to make the most of them. I'm adjusting to life here, and sooner or later I'll figure out what to do about my travel plans. Everyone tells me how great it is that I'm taking time for myself to explore and do the things I've always wanted, but I suppose I should have known that I wouldn't be able to take my whole heart across the sea with me.

Somehow, things always work out in the end, even though it can be very hard at times along the way.